Foundations of Treating Family and Companions — Lesson 2

Peace be on you. Allah's mercy and blessings.

Praised be Allah, Lord of all.

Peace and blessings upon the noblest of prophets and messengers.

Our Prophet Muhammad.

And upon his family and companions all.

We continue by Allah ﷻ's leave this blessed course.

Principles of dealing with family and companions.

With esteemed Shaykh Prof. Dr. Sulayman al-Ruhayli (HA).

May Allah bless him.

And I remind you, dear brothers about the questions.

If anyone has a question, send it to this number.

050-768-7773.

050-768-7773.

As the Shaykh mentioned, answers to questions will be before 'Isha adhan.

Please proceed, esteemed Shaykh. May Allah bless and reward you.

Praise be to Allah, Lord of the worlds.

And the fullest, most perfect blessings and peace.

Upon the one sent as mercy to all the worlds.

And upon his family and all his companions.

To proceed, we continue the discussion.

about dealing with family and companions.

Three principles have already been mentioned.

The first is to treat them for Allah's sake.

The second is to do what he owes and ask Allah for what is due him.

And the third is to treat his family and companions.

as he loves to be treated by them, or even better.

We now move to the fourth principle, a great principle in this topic.

The basis of companionship is offering kindness.

And the basis of parting is grace and recalling the good.

The basis of companionship is offering kindness.

And the basis of parting is grace and recalling the good.

Close living is among family, and companionship among friends.

Both are built on kindness, and kindness is giving and refraining.

We will explain this: Giving and refraining. As for parting.

It is based on kindness.

What comes after separation is mentioning the good and recalling it.

And forget the bad and overlook it.

We have companionship, separation, and what comes after separation.

Companionship means living together: with family and with friends.

Companionship is based on acts of kindness. Separation on kindness.

And what comes after separation is based on mentioning the good.

And forgetting its opposite.

And remembering the good and forgetting its opposite.

We will mention where each applies.

Companionship is based on acts of kindness.

Acts of kindness can be tangible or intangible.

That is, to extend kindness in tangible ways.

A tangible thing is what is sensed; one such form is giving wealth.

The Prophet ﷺ said: "This world is only for four people."

Here, what is meant by "world" is wealth.

Because wealth is the support of life; the support of worldly life.

"This world is only for four people.

A servant whom Allah ﷻ provided with wealth and knowledge.

so he fears his Lord concerning it and maintains kinship ties through it.

and knows that Allah ﷻ has a right in it. He is in the best rank."

The hadith was narrated by al-Tirmidhi and authenticated by al-Albani.

So this successful person, if Allah ﷻ gives him wealth, little or much.

he fears his Lord in acquiring it and in spending it.

He takes it only from lawful means and spends it only in lawful ways.

And through it maintains kinship ties.

This is offering kindness with wealth to relatives.

And before them come the parents, the wife, the sons and daughters.

and knows Allah ﷻ has a right in it. He is in the best rank.

The best one given wealth is the one described in the hadith.

There are also non-material forms of offering kindness.

Such as gentle words and actions, praise, and commendation.

Allah ﷻ says.

"If they strive to make you associate with Me what you know not."

"Do not obey them, but keep them good company in this world."

Parents lead the family.

Imam al-Sa'di RH said.

If your parents strive their utmost to make you associate with Me.

in what you know nothing of, do not obey them.

Subhan Allah! This is when they press you toward shirk.

Then what if they urge you toward knowledge?

What if they urge you to be among those who memorize the Qur'an?

Among those who learn Sharia knowledge?

Among those who learn beneficial knowledge?

Keep them company with kindness, even if they urge you to shirk.

So what if the opposite is true?

The shaykh says: Do not think this is part of kindness to them.

Because that means obeying them in shirk and disobedience.

He said: Allah's right takes precedence over everyone's right.

There is no obedience to any creature in disobeying the Creator. He didn't say:

If they strive to make you associate with Me what you know nothing about.

He didn't say, 'Be undutiful to them.' Rather: 'Do not obey them' in shirk.

But as for dutifulness to parents. Continue in it.

That is why He said: "And accompany them in this world kindly."

Meaning: kind companionship with them.

But do not follow them in disbelief and sin.

Good companionship with parents holds in every situation.

Whatever the parents' condition is.

And Allah ﷻ said: "Live with them" "honorably." This concerns wives.

Ibn Kathir RH said. Make your words kind to them.

And improve your actions and appearance as you are able.

As you would like that from her.

Then do the same for her.

As Allah ﷻ said.

"And women have rights similar to those over them, fairly."

Meaning: you like kind words spoken to you, so speak kindly to her.

You like her to respect you. So respect her.

You like her to adorn herself for you.

Then adorn yourself for her in a way that suits you.

Have a pleasant scent and a good appearance.

Dress for her in a way that suits you.

Ibn Kathir said in his comments on this verse.

It was part of the Prophet ﷺ character.

that he was excellent in companionship and always cheerful.

Examples will come, if Allah wills.

The Prophet ﷺ used to laugh and smile.

in situations where, if one of us faced them, he would strike and curse.

But he ﷺ treated others with kindness.

He said: He would joke with his family and be gentle with them.

and provide for them generously.

And he would laugh with his wives. He even raced Aishah.

The Mother of the Believers (RA). This was to show her affection.

He said: His wives would gather nightly at the home of the wife whose turn it was.

and eat dinner with them.

He said: After the Isha prayer, the Prophet ﷺ would enter his home.

and chat with his family a little before going to sleep.

Thus the Prophet ﷺ kept them company. End of his statement.

Wonderful examples will come of how the Prophet ﷺ treated his wives.

Included in kind treatment is refraining from harm and bearing harm.

that you withhold harm coming from your side.

and that you bear harm from the other side.

As for one's wife, for example: keep your harm away from her.

So she does not hear from you an offensive word, for example.

And that you bear her harm.

As for the rest of the family: keep your harm away from them.

And bear the harm that comes from them.

As for friends: keep your harm away from them.

And bear the harm that comes from them.

This is among the finest and loftiest forms of character.

If you have a friend.

whose state has improved and whose way is upright, spare him harm.

And bear his harm.

For a person is weak, and things may slip from him.

Part of extending kindness is to refrain from harm and bear harm.

Al-Ghazali said. People commonly say: al-Ghazali.

People like the lighter form, and it is al-Ghazali.

He was an Ash'ari scholar and was deeply involved in Sufism.

But he has good statements.

He said, 'Know that good character toward her is not just not harming her.'

Rather, it is bearing harm from her.'

This is the peak: not only that you keep your harm from her.

Rather, that you bear her harm.

He said, 'And forbearance during her rashness and anger

Following the example of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ.'

For his wives would answer him back in speech.

And one of them would shun him for a day till night.

This will come, if Allah wills, in the examples.

And the wife of 'Umar RA answered him back.

So he said, 'Do you answer me back?'

This too will come, Allah willing.

The Muhajir women never answered their husbands back.

Then they migrated to Madinah.

And the Muhajir women mixed with the Ansar women.

The Ansar women used to answer their husbands back.

So they took it from them and learned it from them.

So 'Umar RA said, 'Do you answer me back?'

She said, "The wives of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ answer him back."

And he is better than you. Allah willing, we'll discuss it later.

He said, the Messenger of Allah ﷺ used to say to Aisha.

"I know when you're pleased with me, and when you're angry with me."

The Prophet ﷺ knew the conditions of his wives.

He was attentive to their ways and manners.

She said, "I asked, How do you know that?"

He said: "When you're pleased with me, you say, 'No, by Muhammad's Lord.'"

And when you're angry, you say, 'No, by Ibrahim's Lord.'"

She said, "Yes, by Allah, O Messenger of Allah, I avoid your name.'"

About Aisha (RA), some reports will come, if Allah wills, though not this one.

She loved the Prophet ﷺ very deeply. And she was jealous of him.

When the Prophet ﷺ traveled, he would draw lots among his wives.

One time, he wanted to take two, so he drew lots among them.

The lot fell to Aisha (RA) and Hafsa.

At night, the Prophet ﷺ would bring his camel by Aisha's and talk to her.

So Hafsa (RA) said to Aisha (RA).

Switch with me, so we can see what Allah's Messenger ﷺ will do.

That is: 'Come, I'll ride your camel, and you ride mine.' So she agreed.

So Hafsah (RA) rode on Aishah's camel.

And Aishah (RA) rode on Hafsah's.

Then the Prophet ﷺ came as usual by Aishah's camel and found Hafsah.

He spoke with her, then moved on. And Aishah (RA) became jealous.

When she got down from her camel, she kept putting her foot in the grass.

She said, 'My Lord, a scorpion or a snake! Your Messenger-what can I do?'

Meaning, she was jealous of the Prophet ﷺ.

So she could do nothing to the Messenger of Allah ﷺ.

So she kept putting her foot into the grass.

asking for a snake or a scorpion to sting her out of jealousy.

And she said, My Lord, Your Messenger ﷺ—what can I do?

So Aisha RA had many incidents with the Prophet ﷺ that will come up.

If Allah ﷻ wills. Then al-Ghazali said.

Third: to go beyond bearing harm.

through teasing and joking, and playful affection.

Then he mentioned examples that will come up, if Allah ﷻ wills.

And the essence of kind companionship is good companionship.

Al-Dahhak said about His saying, “Keeping [her] honorably.”

He said: Kindness is to keep good company with her.

This is the comprehensive saying on kind companionship.

And if no room remains for living together kindly.

And staying together becomes impossible.

then separation should be gracious.

With no injustice or harm. Allah ﷻ said.

“Then keep [her] honorably or release [her] graciously.”

Living together in kindness may become impossible for spouses.

Each one does what they can, but it may still prove impossible.

Allah has His ways in His creation.

Companionship may become impossible, and its continuation as well.

So separation becomes necessary.

When we say this, it becomes clear that one does not rush to separation.

But if it becomes unavoidable, it must be with kindness.

There must be no injustice and no harm in it.

Allah ﷻ says: "Retain honorably, or release kindly."

Ibn Abbas RA said: "Or release kindly" means: let her go.

and he does not deprive her of any of her rights.

Al-Suddi said: "Or release with kindness" means kindness.

He gives her her full due, without harming or insulting her.

Then comes the stage after separation.

And this is extremely important.

This is based on mentioning the other's merit before people.

And forgetting what opposes that. No person is perfect.

Every person has some virtue and good and also has flaws.

When a person lives with someone, he sees that person's flaws.

And when he befriends someone, he sees flaws, knows merit. Then he parts.

Before people, he mentions only his merit.

And completely forgets his flaws.

In each one's treatment of the other, each recalls the other's merit.

And overlooks its opposite.

Meaning, brothers: when we speak of mentioning and forgetting before people.

It means that when a person mentions one he lived with or accompanied.

he mentions only his virtues and forgets what goes against them.

And in dealing with him, he remembers his merit.

And he makes himself forget it, for it may linger in the heart.

But in dealing with him, he overlooks the opposite.

Gracious conduct after separation, the scholars said, has two wings.

A prior grace and a later grace.

As for the former, as we said, it is to mention and recall the good.

As for the later one, it is to treat him graciously.

After separation, treat him graciously.

And grace, as will come, is a rank above justice.

Allah ﷻ said: "Do not forget graciousness between you."

Ibn Kathir said: "Do not forget graciousness between you" means kindness.

That means in later dealings.

And remembering kindness in past dealings.

And Shaykh al-Amin al-Shinqiti, author of Adwa' al-Bayan, said:

"And to forgive is nearer to piety." "Do not forget graciousness between you."

So look at how this verse urges noble character.

by commanding pardon and forbidding forgetfulness of favor.

This also includes what Ibn Jarir RH said.

Let a man who divorces his wife before consummation be gracious.

Let him complete her full dowry.

If he had not given her all of it.

And if he had already given her all that had been assigned to her.

then let him be gracious to her with what is due to him: half the dowry.

He may be gracious by waiving that half, though he may reclaim it.

If the man is stingy about that and insists on reclaiming his half.

then let the divorced woman graciously return all of it to him.

if she had received it from him.

And if she had not received it.

Then let her waive all of it. This is one kind of

grace after separation.

Also included is what al-Shaykh al-Amin RH said.

that there be understanding between spouses after separation.

in all matters, whether about breastfeeding or otherwise.

based on kindness, tolerance, and benevolence.

out of loyalty to the rights of former companionship.

"And do not forget graciousness between you."

One form of not forgetting past goodness is a fine saying.

by one of the imams of our time, RH.

namely, Shaykh Ibn Baz RH, who said.

about a man who no longer wants his wife, though he has others.

He said: if it must be so, and he has no desire for her.

then he lets her choose to bear what Allah ﷻ makes easy from him.

And if she wishes, she may seek divorce.

Then if she asked for divorce, he had to divorce or be fair.

Because the question was about a man.

who stopped being fair to his wives because, I think, he did not want her.

The question was about the first wife. So the Shaykh says.

If she asked for divorce, he had to divorce or be fair.

Rather, he must be fair to both or grant her request.

Or grant her request for divorce and divorce her.

And if he divorces her, he pays her waiting-period support.

And if he divorces her, he divorces her with one pronouncement.

This is the Sunnah: to divorce her with one pronouncement.

He does not divorce her with three, but with one.

He pays her waiting-period support and acknowledges her virtue.

For Allah ﷻ says.

And do not forget graciousness between you.

So he should honor her and look after her.

and console her with whatever help he can.

This is how virtuous men should be.

men of noble character and lofty, pure souls.

But he is not obliged to keep her bound to him.

If he wishes to divorce her, he may divorce her.

even if she is patient. The quote is still from Ibn Baz RH.

If she is patient and does not seek divorce.

hoping he may return to her. Meaning, he let her choose.

He said: If you wish to remain as my wife, then stay.

But I will not come to you, for example, or stay the night.

So she chose to be patient. The Shaykh said.

If she is patient and does not seek divorce, hoping he'll return to her.

Or because she has no need of divorce.

since she does not want to marry another.

Then if she is patient, there is no harm.

He should treat her well.

And appreciate her previous standing.

And be generous to her with what Allah made easy for him, and not forget her.

This is what is prescribed for him. End quote.

End of the shaykh's statement. Look how the shaykh treats the issue.

And bases his statement on graciousness and not forgetting it.

If he no longer wants her at all, he either divorces her and shows grace.

Or he keeps her, if she chooses and wants to remain with him.

And follows that with graciousness and does not forget her.

So the point is what the scholars said.

From this it becomes clear that, as we said, virtue has two wings.

The pre-separation wing of virtue is remembered and not forgotten.

It is remembered, and its opposite is overlooked.

And the post-separation wing of virtue is in dealings.

There is no doubt that spreading faults is itself one of the faults.

Spreading faults after separation is one of the faults.

What you thought should be concealed in company.

Then conceal it after parting. Beware; there is a trap of Satan.

After separation he comes and says: Spread it. Warn the community.

Warn the people. Expose his faults.

My brother, what you thought should be hidden in company.

Then hide it after parting.

Because sincere advice is required of you before and after.

If mentioning his faults was not advice while together.

Then after separation, mentioning his faults is not advice.

Some people befriend a person and grow close to him.

And it is well known that a friend is lenient with his friends.

A person may say what he does not believe.

He may say it in jest with his friends.

Sometimes he even speaks against the ruler.

He does so out of ease with his friends. His creed, method, and way are not so.

It is neither honorable nor proper when separation occurs.

that you say, 'In such a gathering, he said such-and-such to me,' and so on.

things known to come from friends' laxity, not inner beliefs.

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said.

"Among the worst people in Allah's sight on the Day of Resurrection."

A man is intimate with his wife, she with him, then he reveals her secret.

Such a man is among the worst before Allah on Judgment Day.

A man lives with a woman and comes to know her secrets.

Perhaps she confided her secrets because she trusted him and felt at ease.

Then he reveals her secret. The scholars stated.

Whether she is still his wife or after he leaves her, it is the same.

This hadith is in Muslim. Another report is also in Muslim.

"Among the greatest trusts with Allah on Judgment Day."

Meaning: among the greatest trusts for which His servant is asked that Day.

"One of the greatest trusts with Allah on Judgment Day is this."

"A man is intimate with his wife."

"And she is intimate with him. Then he reveals her secret."

Though stated about the man, this applies equally to women.

Among noble conduct and obligatory rights is this.

Concealing faults and secrets.

It is narrated of one of the righteous that he wanted to divorce his wife.

He was asked: Why divorce her? Why do you want to divorce her?

He said: A wise man does not expose his wife's privacy.

She is my wife. Why should I speak about her?

He had not yet divorced her. Later they asked: Why divorce her?

They had asked before. This is just people's habit.

Here in Saudi Arabia, it is now a crime punishable by law.

to ask someone: What is your salary?

Of course, not just to know but out of nosiness.

Or ask someone: Why have you not married yet? Is something wrong?

Or ask someone: Why did you divorce?

Or ask the woman, 'Why did he divorce you?' The official may file suit.

This is part of the regulation recently issued here.

This is a good thing, part of noble character.

Before divorcing her, they asked: Why divorce her?

He said, 'A wise man does not violate his wife's privacy.'

When he divorced her, they asked, 'Why did you divorce her?'

Well, she is not your wife now. Why did you divorce her?

He said, 'Why should I care about someone else's woman? Not my wife.'

She is so-and-so's daughter now, and may be so-and-so's wife.

So why should I speak about her? Such is the wise man.

This is the great rule: "Do not forget graciousness between you."

Its context is between spouses at divorce.

As for its meaning, as we said, it has two pillars.

Do not forget the graciousness that was. Mention and value it.

And second: do not stop acting with graciousness after parting.

Though this rule came in a specific context.

But its intended meaning is general.

The consideration is by the generality of its wording.

So it applies to every dealing between two parties.

And those most deserving of that are family and friends.

Brothers, let me repeat the principle. Family and friends: together or apart.

Companionship rests on kindness.

And the nobler a person is, the more kindness he shows.

Separation rests on kindness and remembering past favors.

In companionship, sow kindness. At separation, part graciously.

After separation, remember the good and keep recalling it.

Forget its opposite when you speak, and overlook it in dealings.

How beautiful this principle is. How beautiful indeed.

But, brothers, acting on it requires striving.

Nobility too requires persistence and patience.

You will not be noble until you are patient.

Many people say this talk is theoretical.

By Allah, a person can, by Allah's grace, be one of its people.

Souls are like children.

If you train it in goodness, it learns and responds.

But if you leave it to desire and Satan, bad character taints it.

So this principle should be our motto.

In dealing with family and friends, so we may become

noble and virtuous people who emulate Muhammad ﷺ. Maybe we'll stop here.