Lesson Five with Sheikh Sulayman ar-Ruhayli

All praise is for Allah, Lord of the worlds. Great blessings and peace.

upon the one sent as a mercy to all the worlds.

And upon all his family and companions. Now then.

Before we proceed with completing.

the principles we began in this session.

I would like to note two matters.

First, I was told the sisters disagreed last night about prayer.

Should they pray in congregation or individually?

The jurists differed on this long ago.

So it is no surprise the sisters differ over it.

Some jurists said women praying together in congregation is recommended.

Another group said it is disliked.

Malik said a woman should not lead another woman.

A group of jurists held.

that women's congregational prayer is allowed.

And praying individually is also allowed.

So this is permissible, and that is too, with no preference.

And this is the stronger view.

It is reported by Abd al-Razzaq and others, from Aishah (RA).

that she prayed with women and stood in their middle.

It has chains that strengthen one another.

Ibn Abi Shaybah reports: Umm Salamah led women in their midst.

Its chain has corroboration. Al-Nawawi authenticated both.

There is no doubt both reports are suitable as evidence.

This was the practice of our mother Aishah (RA), and of Umm Salamah.

But it appears this was not done continuously; it only happened.

So what seems correct to me, and Allah knows best, is permissibility.

What is better is what best serves the interest.

For example, if a woman can better gather her heart.

If a woman is more focused praying with her sisters as a group.

Then it is better that they pray as a group.

And if she is more focused when praying alone, she should do so.

If they do pray as a group.

The one leading them stands in their midst, not in front.

This is permissible, as far as I know.

Everyone who said women may pray together among themselves.

say their imam stands among them, in the middle.

And they may also pray individually.

Even if some pray together and others alone, there is no harm.

What is better? What do we recommend?

What is preferable depends on the resulting benefit. If a benefit follows

such as teaching unlearned women and the like. Congregational prayer is best.

And if the benefit lies in praying individually, like khushu' and such.

it is better for them to pray alone.

That is regarding the first matter. As for the second matter.

a number of brothers have told me.

They say the principles we present are very beneficial.

But they ask me to slow down.

so they can write everything.

But that is not feasible within the time allotted to us.

Some brothers said it would be nice if you gave us some references.

For what you quote from the scholars. That is good, but it also takes time.

So when I saw these requests from the brothers, it occurred to me.

to make what I am presenting into a text.

and give it initial attention so that I properly attribute the views

to their authors, and the texts to their sources.

Also, I complete what I say because I jot some as symbols to remember.

Then, Allah willing, perhaps this will be within two days.

I will give this to the brothers in charge of the course.

and they, in turn, will send it to the brothers and sisters.

so that this, Allah willing, will be a complete text.

and will suffice for what the brothers ask.

because some brothers tell me they went home yesterday.

and found much of the lesson missing because I was writing.

and I cannot keep up.

with all that is being said. Allah willing, this will meet the need.

Let us return to our subject and continue speaking of principles.

for dealing with family and friends and we have reached the ninth principle.

The ninth principle: gentleness in dealing with them, and mercy.

Dealings between family and companions should be built on mercy.

And it should be clothed in gentleness.

Dealings with family and companions are built and sustained by mercy.

And gentleness is its garb and style.

Gentleness is softness in speech and action.

And taking the easier way.

And avoiding violence and harshness whenever possible.

Gentleness is softness of manner.

In speech and in action.

And choosing the easiest course.

And avoiding violence and harshness whenever possible.

Sometimes firmness is part of gentleness.

If the matter calls for it. Yes, the default is softness.

But the matter may require some firmness to achieve good.

The closest example is the one Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyyah RH gave.

One believer to another is like two hands, each washing the other.

A believer needs another believer. Washing, by default, is gentle.

A person washes his hands gently.

But Shaykh al-Islam said dirt may need some scrubbing.

Sometimes there is grease, or something gentle washing won't remove.

So a person needs to scrub.

That is how it is. Some of the Salaf said firmness is part of gentleness.

That is firmness in its proper place. And it is contrary to the norm.

It is only for a temporary need.

It was narrated from our mother Aisha RA that she said.

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said.

"Allah is gentle and loves gentleness in all matters."

Agreed upon.

It is also reported from Aisha (RA). The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said.

"O Aisha, Allah is Gentle and loves gentleness."

This is the first point. Allah loves gentleness.

This is enough to make the believer eager for gentleness.

Your Lord Allah ﷻ gave you every blessing and nurtured you through them.

He loves gentleness. Will you not be among its people?

"And He gives for gentleness what He does not give for harshness."

This is the second matter that makes the believer keen on gentleness.

Allah gives you for gentleness what He does not give you for harshness.

By gentleness, by Allah's leave, you gain what you cannot by harshness.

"And what He does not give for anything else."

Reported by Muslim in his Sahih.

Our mother Aisha RA narrated that the Prophet ﷺ said.

“Gentleness is not in anything except that it adorns it.

Nor is it removed from anything but that it mars it. Reported by Muslim.

This is the third point. The adornment of dealings is gentleness.

By Allah Almighty, dealings with kin and friends shine through gentleness.

As long as dealings are clothed in gentleness, they succeed.

And they bring good.

Abu al-Darda' RA narrated that the Prophet ﷺ said.

“Whoever is given his share of gentleness is given his share of good.

And whoever is denied his share of gentleness is denied his lot of good.

Ahmad and al-Tirmidhi narrated it. al-Albani authenticated it.

It is narrated from Jarir RA that the Prophet ﷺ said.

“Whoever is deprived of gentleness is deprived of goodness.”

Narrated by Muslim. Gentleness, brothers, is a principle.

Even in dealing with aggressive enemies.

If that is so in speech, what about dealing with family and companions?

In a hadith, Aisha RA said.

A group of Jews—three to nine men—came

to the Messenger of Allah ﷺ.

They said, “Death be upon you,” making it sound like, “Peace be upon you.”

They were distorting the words, meaning, “Death be upon you.”

Aisha RA said: I understood it. I noticed what they had said.

So I said, “Death and curse be upon you.”

She said: The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “Easy, O Aisha.”

"Indeed, Allah loves gentleness in all matters." Glory be to Allah.

These Jews overstepped in their wording.

She said, "I said, O Messenger of Allah, didn't you hear what they said?"

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, "I already said, 'And upon you.'"

The Prophet replied, "And upon you."

Our reply is heard against them, not theirs against us.

But there's no need to forgo gentleness.

If this is with those who offended, then what about family?

How about friends?

Ibn al-Qayyim RH said: Gentleness with people.

It is treating them with kindness as one would love to be treated.

Do not treat them with violence, severity, or roughness; it repels them.

It emboldens them against him and poisons them against him.

Nothing benefits the heart more than treating people gently.

For in dealing with people this way, he is either a stranger.

You win his affection and love.

If he is a friend and beloved, you preserve his friendship and love.

Or if he is an enemy and hater.

With your kindness, you quench his fire and ward off his harm.

So kindness is wholly good. And gentleness is wholly good.

This way of dealing with people should be built on mercy.

Mercy with family and friends is a blessing.

It preserves affection and brings hearts together.

Allah ﷻ said, “So by mercy from Allah, you were gentle with them.

And if you had been rude and hard-hearted, they'd flee from you.

So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them, and consult them in the matter.

And once you decide, trust in Allah. Allah truly loves those who rely on Him.”

Glory to Allah ﷻ!

Allah ﷻ says to the Prophet ﷺ.

Had you been harsh and hard-hearted, they'd have left your side.

By Allah, if a person were harsh and hard-hearted with his family.

They would flee from him, and their hearts would turn away.

If he were harsh, hard-hearted with his companions.

They would flee from him and scatter away from him.

So mercy from Allah ﷻ is a blessing. The Prophet ﷺ said.

“The people of Paradise are three, that is, three kinds.”

“One with authority, just, charitable, and rightly guided.”

“And a man merciful and tender- hearted to every relative and Muslim.”

“And a chaste, self-restrained man with dependents.”

Those three are the people of Paradise. And the point is the Prophet ﷺ saying.

“A man merciful and tender-hearted to every relative and Muslim.”

A merciful man—meaning toward young and old.

Soft-hearted toward every relative especially.

And every Muslim in general.

He has this quality with those near and far.

But he mentioned relatives first because they deserve it more.

He is merciful; his heart softens and overflows with mercy.

For every Muslim in general especially those close to him.

Among those close to a person are his family and companions.

It is reported from Abdullah ibn Mas'ud RA.

that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said.

“Shall I not tell you who is forbidden to the Fire?

Or to whom the Fire is forbidden?

Every approachable, gentle, easygoing person.”

Reported by al-Tirmidhi. al-Albani: Sahih.

This is a trait of the people of Paradise: an approachable believer.

Whom people love to be near— gentle and easygoing.

The easygoing one does not treat people harshly or be hard on them.

These are traits of the people of Paradise, goodness, and perfection.

This is with every Muslim. So what about family? What about friends?

So dealings between family and friends should be built on mercy.

And be clothed in gentleness.

So that we may live a good life.

The tenth principle. And what will make you know the tenth?

Avoiding anger, and not blaming an angry person for what comes from him.

Abu Hurayrah (RA) narrated that a man said to the Prophet ﷺ.

“Advise me,” he said. “Do not get angry.”

He repeated it many times: 'Do not get angry.' Reported by Bukhari.

A man came to the Prophet ﷺ and said.

O Messenger of Allah, mention to me the essentials of goodness.

The Prophet ﷺ said to him, 'Do not get angry.' It is mentioned

Some narrations mention that he left, then returned.

He asked, 'Messenger of Allah, advise me.' He said, 'Do not get angry.'

Then he left and returned again.

He asked, 'Messenger of Allah, advise me.' He said, 'Do not get angry.'

And anger, as they say, is the basis of problems between family and friends.

It is rage in the heart of Adam's son.

Its effects appear on the body, and it leads to taking others to task.

The root of anger is an ember in the heart that makes it boil.

Its effects show on a person: in his appearance and conduct.

In his appearance, his neck veins may swell, and something may come out.

Something may come out of his mouth showing intense anger, like froth.

His tongue may utter what it does not usually utter, like curses and such.

And it leads to holding one accountable.

The scholars say anger in people can be praiseworthy or blameworthy.

Praiseworthy anger is when one becomes angry for Allah ﷻ.

Such as when a forbidden act is done or an obligation is neglected.

Or when honor calls for it.

Like being accused in one's religion; honor calls for anger and defense.

Or when proper care requires it.

As when a father sees his daughter lax in hijab; he advises her in vain.

He sees her still being lax; then this anger is praiseworthy.

But there must be a condition.

One should be careful that nothing improper appears in look or deed.

There are things, brothers, that scholars say are natural in anger.

A person's face turning red in anger is natural, no problem.

But pulling one's hair or striking one's face.

When angry, that is improper, even in praiseworthy anger.

Praiseworthy anger is what is for Allah or required by honor.

That too is really for Allah, but the point is anger for Allah.

That is, when something forbidden is done, or a duty is left.

Or what honor requires, or care for one's offspring.

And a person should take care that nothing unbecoming comes from him.

And that nothing unbecoming be seen in him.

Nothing unbecoming should appear on him.

This anger is praiseworthy.

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ would get angry.

But all of the Prophet's ﷺ anger was praiseworthy.

And the effect of natural anger would appear on his face.

And people would know his anger from the mark on his face.

ﷺ—the Prophet ﷺ.

When he entered his home and saw a curtain with images.

The Prophet ﷺ grew angry and his face changed with anger

until Aisha RA saw the anger on the Prophet's ﷺ face.

Also, people would say:

The Prophet ﷺ was forgiven his past and future sins

While we are what we are— we are held to account for sins.

So when the Prophet ﷺ heard this, he would become angry.

he would say, "Indeed, I am the most mindful of Allah and fear Him most."

This is praiseworthy anger. Blameworthy anger lacks this.

It is not for Allah, nor called for by honor, nor by due care.

Or when, in anger, something unbefitting appears on a person.

That is blameworthy.

And the Prophet's ﷺ saying, "Do not get angry," has four points.

How much we need to master these in dealing with family and friends.

The first matter: avoid anger altogether—avoid anger itself.

And that is by training yourself not to get angry.

Train yourself in forbearance until you become forbearing.

And this is possible. Never say, "I am quick-tempered."

"That's just my nature." "I am quick to anger."

You can train yourself to become forbearing.

Little by little, you become forbearing.

The Prophet ﷺ said, "Forbearance comes by practice."

"Forbearance comes by practice."

Narrated by al-Khatib al-Baghdadi; classed hasan by al-Albani.

So then, the Prophet ﷺ said, "Do not get angry."

The first thing this includes is that we avoid anger.

We avoid this trait by training ourselves.

The second matter is avoiding the causes of anger.

That means if you find causes of anger, do not go along with them.

until you get angry. Rather, stop.

And move away from the cause of anger.

Because if you go along with it, you'll get angry till it clouds your mind.

This falls under the Prophet's ﷺ saying, "Do not get angry."

The third matter: restrain your anger.

And do not do what anger demands.

Anger will urge you to things. Do not obey it; restrain your anger.

This is a quality of successful believers.

Allah ﷻ says, "and those who restrain anger."

It is a trait of those who have with Allah ﷻ what is better.

"And when they are angry, they forgive."

So it is a trait of those for whom Allah ﷻ has prepared what is with Him.

It is better and more lasting than this world and all in it.

They are those who, when angered, forgive.

So they do not act on anger's demands.

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said.

“Whoever suppresses anger, while able to act on it.

Allah will call him before all creation.

Then Allah will let him choose whichever houris he wishes.”

Reported by Abu Dawud, al-Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah; al-Albani graded it hasan.

Glory be to Allah! Whoever suppresses anger.

Suppressing anger means not doing what it urges you to do.

While able to act on it.

Allah will honor him on Judgment Day before all witnesses.

by calling him and letting him choose whichever houris he wishes.

And he ﷺ said, “Whoever suppresses anger, though able to vent it.”

Allah will fill his heart with contentment on Judgment Day.”

Allah will fill his heart with contentment that Day.

Reported by Ibn Abi al-Dunya, and al-Albani graded it hasan.

This is a trait, brothers.

As they say, it deserves that we strive against ourselves over it.

And be among those who restrain anger.

The fourth matter: do not do or say anything when angry.

As for the previous one, we said: Do not do what anger demands of you.

Here we say it is included in the hadith.

Do not do anything when angry.

Stop acting until you calm down.

And say nothing when angry. Be silent.

Until you calm down. Be calm when angry.

The Prophet ﷺ said, "If one of you gets angry, be silent."

"If one of you gets angry, be silent."

In al-Adab al-Mufrad, by al-Bukhari.

Also by Ahmad; authenticated by al-Albani.

And in practice, the Prophet ﷺ said:

"No one should judge between two people while he is angry."

Agreed upon. When angry, do not do anything.

Stop what you are doing. Say nothing. Be silent.

Until you calm down and sort things out.

These four matters all come under "Do not get angry," said the Prophet ﷺ.

So the Prophet ﷺ advised us regarding these four matters.

Anger is an ember, and it has what can quench it.

There are things that help ward it off.

The first of these means is that you know and are certain.

that not getting angry wards off Allah's anger from you.

That you know and are certain.

that not getting angry wards off Allah's anger from you.

Whoever does not get angry at Allah's creatures, Allah won't be angry with him.

It is reported from 'Abdullah ibn 'Amr ibn al-'As RA.

He asked the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ: What will keep me from Allah's anger?

What a tremendous question: What keeps me far from Allah's anger?

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: "Do not get angry."

Narrated by Ahmad and Ibn Hibban. Al-Albani graded it hasan.

If you want to be far from Allah's anger.

then train yourself not to get angry.

unless that anger is praiseworthy, as we mentioned earlier.

And it is reported from 'Abdullah ibn 'Amr ibn al-'As RA.

This is a tremendous matter, and a tremendous question.

This is not just for 'Abdullah ibn 'Amr; it's for all Muslims.

If you want to keep away from Allah's wrath.

Then beware of getting angry with Allah's creation. Do not get angry.

And there is no doubt, brothers, that if the believer knew this for sure.

Then, by Allah's leave, it would help him not to be quick-tempered.

The second point is to remember the advice of Allah's Messenger ﷺ.

Whenever anger appears to you, remind yourself.

of the Prophet's ﷺ words: "Do not get angry."

And imagine that the Prophet ﷺ is before you in that situation.

He says to you, "Do not get angry." Would you? That, that, is the reality.

The Prophet ﷺ gave you this advice.

And there is no doubt that if you remember it as a lover of the Prophet ﷺ.

The intensity of anger within you will be broken.

The third matter is to remember the great reward on Judgment Day.

For one who restrains anger, as mentioned earlier.

And that, by a single moment of suppressing his anger.

he attains Allah's favor and Allah's generosity on that Day.

And Allah will honor him before all creation.

The fourth matter is that one says when angry:

"I seek refuge in Allah from Satan, the accursed."

For what incites anger.

It is Satan. So when the Prophet ﷺ saw two men insulting each other.

One of them became angry. His face reddened, his veins swelled.

He insulted his companion more.

He said, “I know a word: if he said it, what he feels would leave him.”

“I seek refuge in Allah from Satan, the accursed.” Agreed upon.

The fifth point is to change position.

If he is standing, let him sit. If he is sitting, let him lie down.

The Prophet ﷺ said: “If one of you grows angry while standing, let him sit.”

“If his anger subsides. Otherwise, let him lie down.”

Abu Dawud; al-Albani authenticated it.

The scholars said this also includes any change in posture.

From strength to weakness.

Meaning: if a person is standing, he can act more, so let him sit.

so he is less able to act.

If he was sitting, let him lie down. He moves to a weaker state.

He changes his posture from strong to weak.

so that he can control himself when angry.

The sixth is to be calm and silent when angry.

The Prophet ﷺ said, as we said, "If one of you gets angry, be silent."

The seventh, and this too is useful: that he walk out.

If he's with his wife, let him leave the room.

If she follows him, let him leave the house.

If you are with your friend somewhere, and he angers you, leave that place.

One of the Salaf said.

"My anger is at my sandals." "My anger is at my sandals."

Meaning: if I get angry, I put on my sandals and go out.

And that takes anger away.

The eighth is to remember what strength is.

Strength lies in controlling oneself when angry.

The truly strong one is he who masters himself, not people.

The truly strong one is he who masters himself, not people.

Brothers, self-struggle exists only in two states: desire and anger.

When does it appear you are strong? When you master yourself over desire.

and place it only in what is lawful, and master yourself in anger.

The Prophet ﷺ said, “The strong is not the one who overpowers others.”

"Rather, the strong is he who controls himself in anger." Agreed upon.

It is only forty-five minutes.

So the strong among us is not the one who wrestles and beats people.

Rather, the strong one is the one who restrains himself.

When angry. Imam Ibn al-Jawzi RH says.

When you see your friend angry and speaking improperly.

You should not hold him to what he says at all.

Nor should you blame him for it for his state is like a drunkard's.

He does not know what he is saying. Rather, be patient with his outburst.

Brothers, an angry person may even turn on himself.

In his anger, he may accuse himself of faults he does not have.

Some people, for example, quarrel with their wives and get angry.

If she says, 'Yes, I'm such-and-such,' he holds her to what she said.

He says, 'On such-and-such day, you said such-and-such.'

An angry person knows not what he says.

And in anger he is carried away into what he does not believe.

He says: he is like a drunkard; he does not know what he says.

Rather, bear with his outburst. Do not heed it. Satan has overcome him.

His nature has flared up, and his reason is veiled.

If you take it to heart against him, or answer him in kind.

You are like a sane man facing a madman.

Or like a conscious man rebuking the unconscious.

Then the blame is on you; he bears no blame.

He has become like someone unconscious.

He said: rather, look with mercy, and see the decree at work in him.

Know that when he comes to himself, he will regret what occurred.

He'll appreciate your patience.

An angry person asks for what he doesn't want.

A woman, when angry, may say: 'Divorce me! Be a man—divorce me.'

If the man is patient, calms down, and holds back.

he does nothing. Once the anger subsides, she thanks him for what he did.

But if he divorces her in a state where divorce takes effect.

Then as soon as she realizes it, she starts crying, pleading, and looking.

That is why he says, RH.

And know that when he comes to himself, he regrets what happened.

He'll appreciate your patience.

Whenever you hear a word from him, answer it with a beautiful word.

For it is stronger in restraining his tongue.

This too helps extinguish anger. Meet ugliness with goodness.

That will make him calm down.

I will end this principle with fine words mentioned by Ibn Abd al-Barr.

From Umar ibn Abd al-Aziz.

Ibn Abd al-Barr said: Umar ibn Abd al-Aziz said.

The most beloved to Allah ﷻ are four.

Moderation when heated — or, he said, when earnest.

Forbearance when angry, and gentleness to Allah's servants always.

And pardon when able.

Moderation when heated means when a person becomes heated.

He does not wrong others in speech, or go to excess, or add to it.

And when earnest, he does not go to excess in love or attachment.

He may promise things he cannot do.

Some young men, when they first get married.

in their eagerness, burden themselves with what they can't bear.

I'll do this for you, and this for you, and this for you.

He promises her again and again, then gets stuck and can't do it.

So moderation in earnestness is praiseworthy.

Even some people, when they first befriend someone, keep going to his house.

They keep going out with him, and may say things they shouldn't say.

Moderation in earnestness or anger is praiseworthy.

Pardon when able. We'll discuss it after prayer, Allah willing.

Allah ﷻ loves forbearance in anger. And gentleness with His servants always.

Let's stop at this point, pray Maghrib, and return after prayer, if Allah wills.

We'll go through the principles, even briefly, and finish them here.

Because tomorrow, Allah willing, we'll move to the 2nd and 3rd matters.

May Allah aid all. Prayers and peace upon our Prophet ﷺ.